Is it over?

Is it over before it even began?

I know I shouldn't think of these things, but I do.

Did I miss a window of opportunity?

Was that window only ever in my imagination, anyways?

It's not fair to you, for me to get like this. You have your life. You have your husband, your children, your job, your friends, your family. What right do I have to demand that you pay attention to me?

You know what makes the least sense?

The last actual interaction I had with you, just over a week ago, was incredibly positive. I felt it again, in a way I hadn't in a few months. Like… you were on, again. When you'd be off for a while.

Just… seeing your eyes as we chanced to walk out those opposing doors at exactly the same time. How long were you looking at me? I looked away, but when I looked back your eyes were still on me.

That has to mean something, right? Doesn't it? That something is there? Or am I crazy?

Then you came and stood next to us while we waited for the kids. There were a thousand other spots in that cafeteria where you could have gone, and you came to stand near me. I know we can't possibly have been your only friends there that night, could we have?

Then, at our cars… I had no idea I had parked next to you, not until after the fact. And I made a bit of a joke, poking fun at you for your own awkward little outburst a few weeks back. Your reaction, that look on your face… omg. It comes back to me over, and over, and over again. You were surprised, yes… but… also… delighted? I'm certain I shocked you. I shocked me.

If you're wondering, yes, I was flirting with you. Yes. Right in front of her. No, I don't really know how to do it because it's been so very, very long, so I'm sorry if it wasn't clear.

I felt so good about it that night. I was riding high. I was thinking, man… maybe. maybe. Just need to slip these bonds… and hope you do, too, and then…

Now, ten days later, and I'm sure it's done, it's never going to happen, you will remain out of my reach, forever. Even if I slip my bonds. You're happy, already. Breaking free isn't even a thing you're interested in doing. And why? Why am I so sure of this? Because you haven't given me any likes on Facebook? Because some stupid conspiracy theories my brain insists on concocting?

How could I be so stupid?

How could I be so stupid - either way?

If it's there for you, then I'm being stupid because I let such trivial things knock the shit out me and make me certain it isn't.

If it's not there for you, then I'm being stupid because I read so much meaning into the tiniest of our interactions.

Either way. I'm stupid. For you.

God. ⭐️. I just fucking fell in love with you and I just don't know what to do about it. You're all I think about anymore. Trying to figure out how to get more of you in my life. Selfishly trying to figure out how to wrestle you away from a man you clearly love. Trying to figure out how to free myself so I can pursue you, even though you would still be unpursuable. Trying to figure out just how much is my imagination. Trying to figure out what you would say, if I told you that I felt this way.

Pain, arcing through my body all the while. My soul. My heart. Knowing it

Does.

Not.

Matter.

Because there is no path, no path, between where I am now and being by your side. None. At all. That way is blocked. Has been since long before I ever even met you.

No amount of writing unsent letters, no amount of staring at your profile pic in Messanger, no amount of anything I can ever possibly do within the bounds of my personal ethics that will change that. And even if there were… I mean. It's all my imagination, isn't it?

So, why even bother? With anything at all?